The Five Worst Places to Meet Girls (weekly blog # 6)

It can happen anywhere. It might happen at the library while studying. Or, it could happen at church. Depending on your confidence and luck, You could get a cutie's number and a date wherever you go. However, just because it can happen anywhere, doesn't mean that every place is ideal. In fact, there are a number of places that I can think of, that would be better not to try; for time's convenience, I will name five in no particular order.
1. On the internet...while playing World of Warcraft
Hands down this is not a good place to try to put on the moves for several reasons. Not only do you have no idea what she looks like (she is not an elf), but you also know what she does at 1:30 a.m. on a Tuesday. While this is every nerd's dream...it has only happened once in documented history. Save the pick up lines for the next star wars convention.
2. At the store...in the wart medicine isle.
Guys (or girls)don't try this one. Even if a hottie comes up next to you and starts browsing. Let's just pretend that you do happen to start up a conversation; you exchange a few jokes, she smiles. Chances are she won't fall for the "I'm buying it for my roommate" line. Yet, if she does, the question should by now pop in your mind...why is she in this isle? She must have warts too. It is scientific fact that if she has warts she is a witch. You don't want to date a witch.
3. At a family reunion
Enough said...unless you are from Alabama.
4. At the Laundry Mat
Everybody has a favorite shirt, or outfit. Yet on the other hand, everybody has that one shirt or outfit that they don't want to wear...until there are no clean clothes; the laundry day outfit. When it comes done to it, you want to be on your game, playing your strengths to get that number. Sweat pants and that "Idaho is the bomb" shirt don't help your chances.
5. At Lamaze class
Here at BYU some guys take marriage and family, or elementary education classes because of the positive girl-to-guy ratio. On that same thought, I signed up for a Lamaze class. Bad decision. all the girls were either married or dating some French guy named Fiance. Needless to say I did not get any date out of that class. But I did learn to breath properly.
I want to clarify myself, It is possible to meet the girl of your dreams at any of these places. But when trying to up your odds of Friday night adventure, it is best not to start at one of these five places.

All the small things

I reached into my pocket and found 20 dollars. Wow, it was like finding money, literately. It was the highlight of my week. Certain people would say that is sad, but I believe that the small things make a day (or a week). Who can argue against that when a small plate of cookies is left on your table?
When one thinks about it, Christmas is based on that principle (that and the whole tradition/religion thing...). Children wake up and find presents under a tree upon a cold Christmas tree. It doesn't matter what present you get, some random person (Santa Clause) left a wrapped gift for you.
So based on that principle, I decided to make someone's day. I started thinking where can I make a difference. Then I noticed, anything related to hunger and food, is a good choice. The next question was where would I find hungry people on a college campus...it would be near impossible. Then while walking in a hall, I noticed a line to a vending machine. That's it, the gold mine; the last resort to quiet a loud obnoxious stomach. So, later that day when there was no one around, I bought three items (a candy bar, some chips, and a cookie) and never reached in to get them. I left with the knowledge that some lucky hungry person would walk sullenly up to the vending machine, counting the change in their hands, contemplating what item would best stop the hunger. I don't know who was the eventual person to get the gift, but I hope it made their day.

MTV, How the world changes...(weekly blog #4)

I was a deprived child growing up. Unlike the majority of kids my age, I did not have cable television. I was too young to pose the great question, "why me", yet I still felt its affects. In many conversations, I sat alienated amongst a crowd of teenagers; I was the silent participant nodding along, trying to pretend I knew what was being said.
College opens many doors; one door it opened was the door to cable. Finally in my twenties was I able to regularly view, if I so wished, the programs and channels that so commonly filled mindless night conversations. The big TV options were now in my living room; MTV, VH1, Disney, Travel, Discovery, History and many more. However time has changed, and TV along with it.
When I was young MTV was the music television channel. It showed music videos all day long, while featuring interviews with many popular bands. It became big enough that MTV bought a second channel, MTV2. Music was available to the young public. Then reality TV was invented. Suddenly, the mixture of emotions so often put into song were not enough for the young teenage generation, they needed additionally to see the emotion. MTV began filling its hours with fictitious, monotonous reality shows; Big Brother, The Real World (an ironic name to the fact that it was in now way what it implied), Road Rules and so much more. It wasn't long until MTV and MTV2 were no longer music television...but rather reality television.
Yesterday while browsing the channels, I came to realize that MTV and MTV2 have made yet another shift. Now they aren't filled with reality TV shows featuring the regular Jane and Joes', but instead the used-to-be celebrities. They shifted from MTV, music television; to MTV, reality television; to MTV, celebrities last chance to stay in the spotlight.
Why am I ranting on about some needless subject like this? The answer is simple; MTV should change its name. It shouldn't be called the music TV channel if it has nothing to do with music! That is like calling the food network channel the cartoon network. The name is confusing, misleading, and worse of all, distracting to thousands of regular people. The name is forcing people like you and I to think on this stupid matter instead of worth-while productive things like work, or snowboarding.
In conclusion, I quote the song "Title and Registration" written by the famous band Death Cab for Cutie, while taking the liberty to switch a word of two. I think they would agree with my switch, if not have meant it in the first place. "The channel MTV, is inaccurately named and everybody knows it. So I'm proposing a swift orderly change, because on the screen there is no music to be seen. All that's left are memories of better times."
I am not out to change, just the name of a TV channel.

Math Can Get Worse? (Weekly Blog 3)

Mrs. Jergenson had the power to tear a yellow pages phone book in half! If that didn't scare the wits out of young junior-high teenagers, the fact that she taught pre-algebra did. She was no taller than 5'6", weighing in a rough estimate of 250 lbs (give or take 100 lbs). Her short quaggy arms capable of phone-book-tearing power were of no match to her scowl. One sarcastic or ill timed comment during class was all it took before the wrath was unleashed upon the entire group. Needless to say, it was an often quiet and anxiety filled 50 minute period. However, that is not why I don't like math.
Truth be told, I have never enjoyed math. I understand it. I can do it. I usually don't have a problem finding the logical solutions to those quirky worded conundrums. Yet, I have never had the satisfaction that some attain from its ordered structure. A friend of mine often said, "Working on a math problem is like sculpting a sculpture, you become more intrigued and passionate the farther along you get until you finally finish. Then you can sit back and admire the beauty of what you have done." Hmmm. I would say sculpting is more like sculpting. Math is more like busy number work. Yet despite all my disinterest with math, we have always had a professional relationship. That is until math met Facebook.
Before math became involved with Facebook, she was very predictable. 1 + 1 = 2, 2 + 2 = 4 ETC. However, after their short courtship math began to become quite unpredictable, illogical, and concerned with non-important details and problems. Anyone that has used Facebook knows of what I speak. Here are a couple examples of common math "problems and solutions" as seen when the two are together;

(a) 1 gallon of ice cream + 1 bottle of chocolate sauce + A romantic comedy = The best pity party ever!
(b) The Alpha-Beta girls + Hot basketball team - homework = A Saturday night to remember!

As you can see this makes no logical sense. Ever since meeting Facebook, math has been caught up in the need to feel accepted by pop culture and has tried hard to appeal to its superficial needs. I fear that this relationship is destructive to Math's self esteem. Soon she is going to be so confused with who she is. It won't be long until these simple (yet very stupid) expressions of pop culture math are going to become worse like;

1 Pair of high heels + short shorts/ A lady Gaga CD + f (the derivative) of my favorite lip gloss - cutesy socks^ (to the power of)fuzzy pink = Girls night out!

People, we can't let this happen. We can't sit back and let this destructive relationship tear away at Math. We must get Math back to where she was before that fateful meeting of Facebook. We need to separate them in the most awkward way possible so that they won't be able to stand being in the same room together. We need to do what's best for them both! Who's with me? (This is the part where you enthusiastically raise your fist in the air and give your most Brave-heart-like 'Yeah').

Extended Refrigerator syndrome (weekly Blog 2)

Last week I wrote on the amazing and natural phenomenon I refer to as the Refrigerator syndrome. It states simply that, any person within the means of ones' own kitchen, without the preoccupation of an imperative or dominating task, will open the refrigerator upon the path of passing it. After discovering and proving this a true theory, I began seeing other likewise patterns of the refrigerator syndrome in other aspects of life. One could argue that they are in need of separate theories, but the connection and similarities these instances have with the refrigerator syndrome indicate that they may just be branches to this idea.
One such branch I discovered on a quiet Wednesday afternoon. While in the process of researching world renowned animal-based holidays on the internet, I found that I was frequently checking my Gmail account. I took a short break from my research. Upon my return, the first thing I did was check my email. Within 20 minutes of being on the internet, I checked it another 5 times. It struck me. Can this have any correlation with my famous refrigerator syndrome? There were definite similarities....every time I pass the fridge I open it, every time I open a new internet browser I check my email. Like the fridge, If I pass by it (the gmail tab) and I am not doing anything constructive, I open it up. There usually isn't anything interesting in either, except junk food and junk mail, and many such similarities.
The logic is so conclusive that I have adapted the refrigerator theory to email; any person within the means of ones' own internet browser, without the preoccupation of an imperative or dominating task, will check their email.
Though this extended theory has not been tested on a wide range, ask yourselves as readers if you are a contradiction to this natural human behavior. Open the internet and after a time close it. If you have checked your email within that range of time, then you are another testament to this idea. If you successfully open and close the internet several times without checking your email (note all this must be done without the conscious effort to avoid doing it) then you may have just ruined my life's work. Then you can feel really good that you have crushed my dream.

Refridgerator Phenomenon (Weekly Blog 1)

I walked past my refrigerator on a lazy Tuesday afternoon and opened it. To my dismay, I found that there was nothing alluring or interesting inside; a cartoon of milk, some old bread and some butter (which could claim longer residency in our apartment than we could). In disappointment, I closed the fridge and continued my search elsewhere. After opening all of the cabinets, I walked beside the fridge and opened again. Surprise, surprise still nothing noteworthy in it. I continued my search, pouring myself some water, and prowling through my roommate's cabinets. After extensive calculation that everything worth eating would surely not go unnoticed to my friend, I closed the cabinet drawer. I walked past the fridge again and before I knew it I had opened it. It was as if my subconscious installed a beam of hope that somehow this 'mystical cold box' had magically become filled with treasure.
It was then that I noticed the strange fridge phenomenon; whenever one walks past the fridge, assuming that he/she is not rushed with another task, they will open it despite any number of previous attempts. As in the story above, logically I knew that there was no food within the fridge. With quick reasoning I could deduct that no new food would magically appear with another attempt. Yet, the result with each pass of the fridge was the same; realization followed be disappointment.
After additional observation I realized that one did not even need to be hungry for this phenomenon to occur. I found myself opening the fridge with each passing, after eating dinner, late at night and even on the phone ordering a pizza.
This fact intrigued me, so additional research became imperative. I gathered statistics from a random sample of my roommates that were home. The results were the same. A larger sample was taken; friends of mine that were in attendance at a local party. Not surprisingly, the results affirmed my theory. A final survey was conducted over a three week span. Every conversation I had with people involving the subject of food led to a small survey regarding the fridge. The final results were staggering. The surveys showed an amazingly strong correlation with the number of times passed by the refrigerator and amount of times opening it. The factors that seemed to drive these results were as follow; hunger, boredom, talking on the phone, cooking something in the microwave, and midnight wandering of the house. Naturally there were outliers, 2 such male participants were reported to open the refrigerator multiple times with a single passing, While on the other extreme, one female participant reported she had only opened the refrigerator twice in her life.
As could be expected the number of cases proving this theory rose dramatically with awakened awareness. The survey participants continually phoned my office number (cell phone) with exciting stories of how they have just accidentally opened the refrigerator 7 times in the course of 10 minutes. As one can imagine, these messages brought me an indescribable joy with additionally excitement that we were finally on the verge of fully understanding the subconscious mind within the kitchen setting.
In an effort to rise public awareness, I have simplified my refrigerator phenomenon theory as follows; any person within the means of ones' own kitchen, without the preoccupation of an imperative or dominating task, will open the refrigerator upon the path of passing it. Not surprisingly, further research is being conducted as we speak to explain this strange act of human nature.

Utopia...Not a Laughing Matter

Utopia, the dream of a perfect world and society, has always been a theme in literature and art. The idea of a society without fault with perfect circumstances has resonated in every intellectual mind, and every Miss America speech. However, is a perfect society really ideal? For the comedian inside of me, I boldly say no! We need in-perfect leaders, mistake-making celebrities, incredibly stupid common day people, acknowledged cultural and racial differences, and unthinkable conditions.
Where would comedy be in a world where leaders of nations can't pronounce nuclear? What would Conan O'brien or Jay Leno have to joke about for months on end if Bill Clinton did not coin the famous phrase "I did not have sexual relations with that woman?" An important aspect of comedy is relating with the audience, which includes writing about things or events commonly known with which the audience has a strong connection or passion. So, naturally the comedic decisions or faults of a leader we all chose or voted against is an excellent source for a quick laugh. It is so effective that it has become the first place comedians look when writing new material. It is almost impossible to watch an episode of any late night talk show, or stand up comedy act without hearing a political allusion.
What if celebrities really were the idols that we were to shape our lives after? What if the intellectual standards of every movie actor were what we all would strive to reach? Ok, granted, not every celebrity is a complete mess, and they are people like us who make mistakes...but just think of where our jokes would be if we took Chuck Norris away from the world!? Our societal obsession of the lives, and especially the blunders of celebrities is so great that we even have a whole channel dedicated to it on basic cable! In an ideal world where celebrities did not mess up, where they were the intellectual giants that we all admired, the E channel would have a whole new challenge to live up to its name...it would have to become entertaining!
While in an ideal society there would be no crime...that would unfortunately lead to the conclusion that there would be no stupidest criminal stories, comprising crooks who get so involved in dancing in front of the camera they don't see the police arrive. The image of a perfect society would imply that all people do not make the most entertaining of mistakes, like the lady in Connecticut who greased the BOTTOM of the pan resulting in a little house fire. Along those lines, Jay Leno's Headlines would not even exist!
In the ideal society, the differences in cultures and race become eliminated. While equality and prejudice would consequently disappear too, so would the stand-up acts of Chris Rock, and common racially-slurred sketches of SNL and Mad T.V.
What am I getting at? It is actually quite simple...in the ideal society the humor that we so passionately enjoy in today's world would be no more! In a world full of perfect people, all the humor we would have left would be funny animal clips as seen on America's funniest home videos and the Animal Planet Channel. Granted...I probably watched the you tube video of the monkey that sniffed his finger and then immediately fell out of the tree a thousand times, and can not get sick of the video with the bear and the trampoline...but wait a second, the whole premise of that video is that people honestly thought it a good idea (which comedically it was gold) to shoot the bear with the tranquilizer hoping the trampoline would work perfectly to plan...another stupid decision from us, which in a perfect society would not have happened...so even that video we would not be enjoying in Utopia.
Ok, for those who can't read past the sarcasm, I am in no way saying that a perfect society is a bad idea. Infact, I think I could be entertained for many years on the same animal videos on youtube that i previously mentioned. However, as we complain about the mistakes of world leaders, the oh-so-entertaining celebrities being the source of every news channel, the stupidity of the guy at work trying to purchase food from the vending machine with monopoly money, and the racial and cultural differences that sometimes lead to misunderstandings, we must remember to ejoy the simple humor underlining this in-perfect world. Though we should strive to always make a better world...it won't kill us to step back and laugh at the mistakes we make along the way.